Hey guys,
If you still follow this blog, I would really appreciate it if you would continue to follow me at www.alexanderkkoo.tumblr.com
I will be moving there and posting my walk/encouraging insights on there! Thanks :)
Friday, February 24, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Where are you?
There's been a lot going on since the last time I posted. Actually, there have been a lot of things I've been wanting to blog about, but I just never got around to it... I wish there was an option to instantly translate my thoughts into text. I would be posting daily if that were the case.
So now I'll just post whatever is currently on my mind and my heart. I'm really not sure actually. I feel like there's just a mangled mess of blah in my heart right now as a result of many questions, frustrations, and confusions going on in my life. Questions in my mind such as my last post, and some other questions. Questions like what does God want me to do right now? I'm trying to wait for God to answer, to give me an answer, but my heart tends to be impatient and I'm easily discouraged and frustrated. Lots of different frustrations that I'm having with people, but then again, it's just a personal heart issue. Confusion in general because I don't know what exactly I'm feeling. I'll try to spell it out.
I've truly being trying to consecrate myself fully and wholly to Him, to live a life dedicated fully to Him.. dead to myself. It's a hard process because sometimes I don't even realize that I'm still unconsciously clinging on to some parts of my life. I found myself still clinging on to my perfectionist/check-list mentality, starting off the semester with a rigorous schedule (and doing pretty well actually!), but often finding myself being strangled by it, and feeling guilty when I couldn't live up to my schedule's expectations. With my schedule, it was easy for me to become irritable and frustrated when things didn't go my way. Soon enough, I saw my life as always on the run, scrambling to keep up with my schedule and barely having time to catch my breath. I could hardly relax and I felt like I was trying too hard to control my life, not letting God do His work. It would be too easy to miss God because I was too focused on my schedule.
So I gave that up, and boy I can definitely say it was like a breath of fresh air that I desperately needed. It felt awkward at first, like walking on land after months of getting used to the stormy seas on board. I slowly started getting used to it.
But slowly, my life started feeling very routine. Perhaps it's the fact my semester isn't very academically demanding this semester, so I find myself with a lot of free time. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I just need more stress in my life to occupy my time. I don't know. Every morning I wake up and get on my knees, praying that God would give me eyes to see Him and His truth, that He would give me the desire to do His work and to love people, that He would teach me what it means to love Him, etc. I've started going through "Experiencing God" by Blackaby. I've been learning that God is always at work around me and my job is to just participate and respond to His invitation. I need to see what God is doing rather than making my own plans and asking God to substantiate them. But I just don't really see what God is doing. Maybe I'm not at that point yet, but I'm not really sure what God wants me to do.
Well. Maybe I do? For awhile I've been feeling this "tug" on my heart, this "guilty conviction" for me to feed the poor. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm not sure if it's a conviction from God or if Satan is using it to make me feel guilty all the time, because I certainly do feel guilty. I get this nagging feeling very often, but I can't tell if I'm just sending myself on a guilt trip, or what. I mean, I'm already doing Feed-A-Need, a program by my church that distributes food ever other Sunday. What does God want me to do? How would I do it anyway? Just go to publix, buy food, and feed people? Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. How can I confirm that this is God telling me to do it? I just thought that the reason why I feel this way is because I'm constantly (in my mind) trying to make sure I'm being the perfect Christian. Sometimes I can't help but feeling like if I don't continue to walk in the light, making sure I put all the truths I'm learning into action, then God won't listen to me or bless me (regarding my future/career/wife/etc.), so I'm constantly trying to walk in the light (like what John says). Therefore I set all these expectations for myself, like I mentioned in the blog post earlier, and feel guilty if I'm not always meeting them. That's why I thought these "convictions" to Feed-the-poor, and go to Third-world countries was just an unrealistic (for now as I'm a student) requirement I was setting for myself that constantly made me feel bad.
In addition to all this confusion, I still struggle SO MUCH with lust and pride. It sucks and I seriously hate my sin. I hate being out of fellowship with God, knowing God despises my sin so much more than I do. I'm slowly overcoming these sins by sharing with my brothers, because I learned that this is the first step, because as long as I couldn't verbalize my sins, they still held me captive. So by the grace of God I'm breaking these chains.
In all of this contemplating, I'm not even sure how to view the world or the view myself. What I mean by that is that as I learn new truths, my world view and perspective is always changing for the better. As I read insightful books, hear eye-opening sermons, read the bible, my understanding grows and my "vision" or view of the world and of people, expands. I know I'm still growing, and this is a process, but as of late, I don't know what the right perspective is. Things like, how do I view God's will? I know that it should be God's will and not mine, and I should not be trying to conform God into my plans.
For awhile I saw it as, okay God has given us His will already, He's already wrote His redemptive story and He's already given us His will! His will is for us to make disciples of all nations and as Paul always says, we live to proclaim the gospel. So I thought, okay so our purpose is proclaim the gospel, so I will devote my life, all my strength, resources, time, talents, for the sake of proclaiming the gospel! Whether it be a pastor, a doctor, or a rapper like Lecrae, I'd be living out my purpose! I thought that this was definitely what Paul must have meant when he said to live is Christ and die is gain.
However my perspective began to change as I continued to read the bible, went through my devotions, and did the Experiencing God workbook. I began to realize, if I did live with that mentality, although on the outside I would look like exactly what a follower of Christ should look like, it would be easy to live like that...without ever needing to depend fully on God. I could get so eloquent with my words and so articulate with my speech that I could preach His word and share the gospel without even needing Him! What a scary thought...
I realized Paul said in Romans, no one truly seeks God, and that Jesus said in John, God is the one who draws everybody to Him. God already has chosen His elect, but we are called to proclaim the message so the elect may hear it and be saved. Blackaby shared a story that him and his church were trying to start an on campus college ministry. It was their first time trying something like that and they had no idea where to start. They tried for 3 weeks with no success in the dorms. Finally they got together and Blackaby shared the verses from the bible (from Romans and John) and they prayed God would reveal to them where He was working so they could participate. The next day a girl approached one of the church members (also a student) saying that she heard she was a Christian. The girl and some other friends were trying to study the bible but had no idea how to. So immediately their church set up a bible study ministry in the dorm. This means that it doesnt matter how hard I try to get my plans done, whether it be trying super hard to bring someone to faith or start a ministry. If God is going to do it, He will do it, and He invites me to join Him. I'm called to just look to see what He is already doing around me, and what He is going to do.
So that's the perspective I have now. Hopefully this is a more correct one than before, but I'm still learning. However, I keep asking God, what are you doing around me?! Every day feels so routine. I'm starting to get a bit lazier because I'm not strictly self-enforcing my schedule like I used to (which strangled me...so maybe it's better to be a little lazy). Is feeding the poor really You talking to me? Or is the "conviction" a symptom of my perfectionist/checklist/legalistic personality and I'm just setting these unhealthy expectations of myself (that are higher than what You expect of me)? Why is it so hard to get out of this lustful sin and how come I am so prideful? How come I can't love people the way You want me to? I'm just so discouraged. Tired. Sometimes I'll ask myself, is living like this really worth it? I could easily be living for myself, studying hard, making money, living "the good life". It seems "safer". It doesn't involve my putting my whole life in Your hands. I get tempted to just turn back. To live that selfish life again, going to parties, chasing girls. Do you hear me? Do you have a girl set out for me? I hope so. But I don't even know. I'm just so lost right now and I need to hear Your voice. I feel so empty.
Where are you.
#Psalms 62:1-2
So now I'll just post whatever is currently on my mind and my heart. I'm really not sure actually. I feel like there's just a mangled mess of blah in my heart right now as a result of many questions, frustrations, and confusions going on in my life. Questions in my mind such as my last post, and some other questions. Questions like what does God want me to do right now? I'm trying to wait for God to answer, to give me an answer, but my heart tends to be impatient and I'm easily discouraged and frustrated. Lots of different frustrations that I'm having with people, but then again, it's just a personal heart issue. Confusion in general because I don't know what exactly I'm feeling. I'll try to spell it out.
I've truly being trying to consecrate myself fully and wholly to Him, to live a life dedicated fully to Him.. dead to myself. It's a hard process because sometimes I don't even realize that I'm still unconsciously clinging on to some parts of my life. I found myself still clinging on to my perfectionist/check-list mentality, starting off the semester with a rigorous schedule (and doing pretty well actually!), but often finding myself being strangled by it, and feeling guilty when I couldn't live up to my schedule's expectations. With my schedule, it was easy for me to become irritable and frustrated when things didn't go my way. Soon enough, I saw my life as always on the run, scrambling to keep up with my schedule and barely having time to catch my breath. I could hardly relax and I felt like I was trying too hard to control my life, not letting God do His work. It would be too easy to miss God because I was too focused on my schedule.
So I gave that up, and boy I can definitely say it was like a breath of fresh air that I desperately needed. It felt awkward at first, like walking on land after months of getting used to the stormy seas on board. I slowly started getting used to it.
But slowly, my life started feeling very routine. Perhaps it's the fact my semester isn't very academically demanding this semester, so I find myself with a lot of free time. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I just need more stress in my life to occupy my time. I don't know. Every morning I wake up and get on my knees, praying that God would give me eyes to see Him and His truth, that He would give me the desire to do His work and to love people, that He would teach me what it means to love Him, etc. I've started going through "Experiencing God" by Blackaby. I've been learning that God is always at work around me and my job is to just participate and respond to His invitation. I need to see what God is doing rather than making my own plans and asking God to substantiate them. But I just don't really see what God is doing. Maybe I'm not at that point yet, but I'm not really sure what God wants me to do.
Well. Maybe I do? For awhile I've been feeling this "tug" on my heart, this "guilty conviction" for me to feed the poor. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm not sure if it's a conviction from God or if Satan is using it to make me feel guilty all the time, because I certainly do feel guilty. I get this nagging feeling very often, but I can't tell if I'm just sending myself on a guilt trip, or what. I mean, I'm already doing Feed-A-Need, a program by my church that distributes food ever other Sunday. What does God want me to do? How would I do it anyway? Just go to publix, buy food, and feed people? Isn't that dangerous? I don't know. How can I confirm that this is God telling me to do it? I just thought that the reason why I feel this way is because I'm constantly (in my mind) trying to make sure I'm being the perfect Christian. Sometimes I can't help but feeling like if I don't continue to walk in the light, making sure I put all the truths I'm learning into action, then God won't listen to me or bless me (regarding my future/career/wife/etc.), so I'm constantly trying to walk in the light (like what John says). Therefore I set all these expectations for myself, like I mentioned in the blog post earlier, and feel guilty if I'm not always meeting them. That's why I thought these "convictions" to Feed-the-poor, and go to Third-world countries was just an unrealistic (for now as I'm a student) requirement I was setting for myself that constantly made me feel bad.
In addition to all this confusion, I still struggle SO MUCH with lust and pride. It sucks and I seriously hate my sin. I hate being out of fellowship with God, knowing God despises my sin so much more than I do. I'm slowly overcoming these sins by sharing with my brothers, because I learned that this is the first step, because as long as I couldn't verbalize my sins, they still held me captive. So by the grace of God I'm breaking these chains.
In all of this contemplating, I'm not even sure how to view the world or the view myself. What I mean by that is that as I learn new truths, my world view and perspective is always changing for the better. As I read insightful books, hear eye-opening sermons, read the bible, my understanding grows and my "vision" or view of the world and of people, expands. I know I'm still growing, and this is a process, but as of late, I don't know what the right perspective is. Things like, how do I view God's will? I know that it should be God's will and not mine, and I should not be trying to conform God into my plans.
For awhile I saw it as, okay God has given us His will already, He's already wrote His redemptive story and He's already given us His will! His will is for us to make disciples of all nations and as Paul always says, we live to proclaim the gospel. So I thought, okay so our purpose is proclaim the gospel, so I will devote my life, all my strength, resources, time, talents, for the sake of proclaiming the gospel! Whether it be a pastor, a doctor, or a rapper like Lecrae, I'd be living out my purpose! I thought that this was definitely what Paul must have meant when he said to live is Christ and die is gain.
However my perspective began to change as I continued to read the bible, went through my devotions, and did the Experiencing God workbook. I began to realize, if I did live with that mentality, although on the outside I would look like exactly what a follower of Christ should look like, it would be easy to live like that...without ever needing to depend fully on God. I could get so eloquent with my words and so articulate with my speech that I could preach His word and share the gospel without even needing Him! What a scary thought...
I realized Paul said in Romans, no one truly seeks God, and that Jesus said in John, God is the one who draws everybody to Him. God already has chosen His elect, but we are called to proclaim the message so the elect may hear it and be saved. Blackaby shared a story that him and his church were trying to start an on campus college ministry. It was their first time trying something like that and they had no idea where to start. They tried for 3 weeks with no success in the dorms. Finally they got together and Blackaby shared the verses from the bible (from Romans and John) and they prayed God would reveal to them where He was working so they could participate. The next day a girl approached one of the church members (also a student) saying that she heard she was a Christian. The girl and some other friends were trying to study the bible but had no idea how to. So immediately their church set up a bible study ministry in the dorm. This means that it doesnt matter how hard I try to get my plans done, whether it be trying super hard to bring someone to faith or start a ministry. If God is going to do it, He will do it, and He invites me to join Him. I'm called to just look to see what He is already doing around me, and what He is going to do.
So that's the perspective I have now. Hopefully this is a more correct one than before, but I'm still learning. However, I keep asking God, what are you doing around me?! Every day feels so routine. I'm starting to get a bit lazier because I'm not strictly self-enforcing my schedule like I used to (which strangled me...so maybe it's better to be a little lazy). Is feeding the poor really You talking to me? Or is the "conviction" a symptom of my perfectionist/checklist/legalistic personality and I'm just setting these unhealthy expectations of myself (that are higher than what You expect of me)? Why is it so hard to get out of this lustful sin and how come I am so prideful? How come I can't love people the way You want me to? I'm just so discouraged. Tired. Sometimes I'll ask myself, is living like this really worth it? I could easily be living for myself, studying hard, making money, living "the good life". It seems "safer". It doesn't involve my putting my whole life in Your hands. I get tempted to just turn back. To live that selfish life again, going to parties, chasing girls. Do you hear me? Do you have a girl set out for me? I hope so. But I don't even know. I'm just so lost right now and I need to hear Your voice. I feel so empty.
Where are you.
#Psalms 62:1-2
Thursday, January 19, 2012
What does Obedience really look like?
I have been struggling a lot. Sometimes I wonder, why God? Why me? Why can't I just know the truth. But in the midst of my brokenness, my bitterness, may You be glorified when I'm most dependent on You. I'm not sure when it all started, but it was a combination of problems. Perhaps God is answering my prayers on how to be more humble. I don't know. I guess I'll start off with my first realization.
For as long as I can remember, I have been enslaved to people's expectations. I've always been so concerned about what people thought of me over what God thought of me. This paralyzed me in crippling fear. I couldn't share the gospel boldly because I was too worried about losing an argument and looking foolish, rather than just being a living testimony and witness to a real God. I was too concerned about my image as a knowledgeable Christian, when in reality, I'm really not, and perhaps I'm not supposed to be (or see myself as one).
Realization #2: In addition to my unhealthy concern with other people's expectations/views of me, I realized that I am also largely a slave to my own perfectionist expectations. What do I mean by that? I mean that in my small, limited mind, I have conceived this idea of a perfect christian -- influenced by the bible and books (like Radical, Crazy Love, etc.). So in my head, I tell myself, A Christian who truly loves Christ should: Love and Serve others with a joyful, cheerful heart, always share the gospel (and when necessary use words), orient his life and priorities around God and sharing the good news, reach out to his non-believing friends, feed the poor, care for the homeless, and etc. I was told by a previous pastor that my expectations for myself were even higher than what God expected of me now.
Well guess what? Looking at my life, I don't quite meet the job description. And because of this, I often guilt tripped myself and condemned myself (as you may have picked up on in earlier blog posts), comparing myself to this ideal Christian I had in my mind. When I studied, I asked myself, "shouldn't I be feeding the homeless?!", when I saw my friend on facebook I asked myself, "shouldn't I share the gospel with him/her right now?", when I was relaxing it was, "shouldn't I be reading the bible?!". As you can see, it was pretty bad (and NOT what God wants). So I tormented myself, wondering why I possibly couldn't innately want to serve others and love others.
Reasoning 1
During a small group discussion, as we talked about this, we came to an agreement that in fact this was where I was supposed to be. This is where as Christians we are supposed to be.. Because if we could always love people, then we might risk the danger of being independent. If we could always fulfill the law and the commandments, Christ wouldn't need to die for us (Gal 2:21). So even though we can't always want to love and serve others, even though we might not always love the people we serve, it's okay! We should just focus on Christ and love Him through obedience (in the act of serving others [John 13:14]. So even when we don't feel like serving others, we do it out of obedience and our love for God, not for the people we are serving necessarily. In addition to this Roms 7:18 - "And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't.". This shows that we aren't supposed to be able love people naturally! Because we can't! There's nothing good in us. Only through the Holy Spirit that gives us a love for Christ can we serve others, as it says in Phil 2:13 - "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him". IT IS GOD HIMSELF who gives us the desire to even do anything! So while it is unnatural for us to want to be complacent and not serve/love others, we can come to God and ask Him to give us the desire and strength to serve Him by serving others. So we serve out of obedience, not through emotions, Even when we don't feel like serving, we can do it by the power of Christ and He will bless us with the desire to continue serving Him!
Reasoning 2
I wish I could end my blog post here and say everything was resolved after I meditated on that! But it doesn't end here. In fact, after this, I got more confused after a phone call with my mom. As I was sharing with her the things I was struggling with and the things that I've learned, she reminded me that guilt doesn't come from God. And I agreed. She told me that because of God's grace, we've already met all of God's expectations through Christ. As we kept talking, I began thinking again. I reasoned, when I feel guilty when I study, asking myself "shouldn't I feed the poor instead of studying?", even if I slammed my books shut, ran to the groceries and bought food, sped to downtown and distributed the food, would I really be doing it because I loved God or because I just wanted to get rid of my guilt(Something I learned that people do, in psychology)? Isn't it true that God still loves me whether or not I go and feed the poor? God wants me to do everything with a cheerful heart in His name, to glorify Him. Didn't Jesus also say in Matthew 26:11 "you will always have the poor"? So clearly the objective of serving the poor isn't the get rid of poverty, because according to Jesus, it isn't possible, but to do it in the love of Jesus. If it isn't for that reason, than it's in vain. Besides, it's not like if I don't stop studying and go and feed the poor, nobody will do it. God says, if nobody sings His praises, then even the rocks will cry out. So clearly God doesn't depend on us to get His work done, so I don't even have to worry about it, because quite frankly, God doesn't need me! I don't think God would look at me as I'm driving around feeding the poor to get rid of my guilty and say, "Ah yes, thank goodness Alex is feeding the poor! I didn't know what I would have done if He didn't!" Absolutely not! So unless I am at a point in my walk where feeding the poor is a result of my genuine love for Christ, then it would be in vain and even self-destructive if I forced myself to do that just to be a good Christian.
WHOA. Okay so now I'm utterly confused. While my small group discussion about service (two paragraphs before) makes sense, and the paragraph above makes sense (to me), they don't seem to make very much sense together anymore! Let's use a real life example. I have a friend "Ryan" who is a nonbeliever. He can be really awkward, inconsiderate, and sometimes even rude, not to mention selfish at times. (this is totally fictional). I just met Ryan recently at a social gathering and he wants to hang out more. As we continue to hang out, it's odd because he doesn't seem very receptive of the gospel (or perhaps I am too worried about his perspective of me) and it's uncomfortable hanging out with him. So I'm sitting at home and suddenly as I think about him, I think to myself "Doesn't Christ call me to hang out with him and spread the gospel and love him?". Suddenly I feel guilty. Or is it convicted? I don't know. What do I do? According to my first reasoning, even though there is "nothing good in me" and I don't natural want to hang out with him, I should hang out with Ryan out of my love and obedience to Christ, even though I really don't want to. Even though I can't love Ryan, I can depend on God as I go hang out with Ryan and through this dependence, God will be most glorified. My obedience can't depend on my emotions, or whether or not I simply feel like loving people or feel like serving, or feel like going to school/church, or feel like doing my homework. Then I would just have no self-discipline! And through that act of obedience to Christ, He will bless me and perhaps grant me a heart that is able to love Ryan more and more through His love. According to Reasoning #2, I am only feeling guilty because I'm just trying to be a perfect Christian when clearly I can't be. The only reason I would be hanging out with Ryan would be to feel better about myself and appease my guilty conscience by trying to obey Christ's commandments as opposed to doing it out of genuine love for Ryan and God. Thus, I shouldn't hang out with him but rather focus more on Christ and ask Him to give me the desire to love Him more and Ryan more before hanging out with Ryan so I could do it out of sincerity. Because whether or not I do it, God's plan will still unfold. It's not like if I don't hang out with Ryan at this moment, God will scratch His head and exclaim, "How on earth will Ryan be saved now? Now how will I advance My Kingdom??" So until I am at a place in my walk where I can't help but hang out with people like Ryan out of love, attempts to do so will be in vain and just for my personal peace to get rid of the guilt. Rather, I should rest in the Grace of God, and rest in the truth that all the requirements of the law have been met on the cross and I don't need to worry about constantly doing the "right Christian thing", but let it come naturally as a response.
So what is it? Do I just continue to seek God and pray that He would give me the desire to be able to love people naturally and overflow with this love? Do I love people despite the fact I don't feel like it (and may feel fake and done out of guilt) but through it build discipline and learn how to obey God, regardless of what my emotions tell me?
There's more on my mind, but my fingers are tired. And I have to study. More later!
For as long as I can remember, I have been enslaved to people's expectations. I've always been so concerned about what people thought of me over what God thought of me. This paralyzed me in crippling fear. I couldn't share the gospel boldly because I was too worried about losing an argument and looking foolish, rather than just being a living testimony and witness to a real God. I was too concerned about my image as a knowledgeable Christian, when in reality, I'm really not, and perhaps I'm not supposed to be (or see myself as one).
Realization #2: In addition to my unhealthy concern with other people's expectations/views of me, I realized that I am also largely a slave to my own perfectionist expectations. What do I mean by that? I mean that in my small, limited mind, I have conceived this idea of a perfect christian -- influenced by the bible and books (like Radical, Crazy Love, etc.). So in my head, I tell myself, A Christian who truly loves Christ should: Love and Serve others with a joyful, cheerful heart, always share the gospel (and when necessary use words), orient his life and priorities around God and sharing the good news, reach out to his non-believing friends, feed the poor, care for the homeless, and etc. I was told by a previous pastor that my expectations for myself were even higher than what God expected of me now.
Well guess what? Looking at my life, I don't quite meet the job description. And because of this, I often guilt tripped myself and condemned myself (as you may have picked up on in earlier blog posts), comparing myself to this ideal Christian I had in my mind. When I studied, I asked myself, "shouldn't I be feeding the homeless?!", when I saw my friend on facebook I asked myself, "shouldn't I share the gospel with him/her right now?", when I was relaxing it was, "shouldn't I be reading the bible?!". As you can see, it was pretty bad (and NOT what God wants). So I tormented myself, wondering why I possibly couldn't innately want to serve others and love others.
Reasoning 1
During a small group discussion, as we talked about this, we came to an agreement that in fact this was where I was supposed to be. This is where as Christians we are supposed to be.. Because if we could always love people, then we might risk the danger of being independent. If we could always fulfill the law and the commandments, Christ wouldn't need to die for us (Gal 2:21). So even though we can't always want to love and serve others, even though we might not always love the people we serve, it's okay! We should just focus on Christ and love Him through obedience (in the act of serving others [John 13:14]. So even when we don't feel like serving others, we do it out of obedience and our love for God, not for the people we are serving necessarily. In addition to this Roms 7:18 - "And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't.". This shows that we aren't supposed to be able love people naturally! Because we can't! There's nothing good in us. Only through the Holy Spirit that gives us a love for Christ can we serve others, as it says in Phil 2:13 - "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him". IT IS GOD HIMSELF who gives us the desire to even do anything! So while it is unnatural for us to want to be complacent and not serve/love others, we can come to God and ask Him to give us the desire and strength to serve Him by serving others. So we serve out of obedience, not through emotions, Even when we don't feel like serving, we can do it by the power of Christ and He will bless us with the desire to continue serving Him!
Reasoning 2
I wish I could end my blog post here and say everything was resolved after I meditated on that! But it doesn't end here. In fact, after this, I got more confused after a phone call with my mom. As I was sharing with her the things I was struggling with and the things that I've learned, she reminded me that guilt doesn't come from God. And I agreed. She told me that because of God's grace, we've already met all of God's expectations through Christ. As we kept talking, I began thinking again. I reasoned, when I feel guilty when I study, asking myself "shouldn't I feed the poor instead of studying?", even if I slammed my books shut, ran to the groceries and bought food, sped to downtown and distributed the food, would I really be doing it because I loved God or because I just wanted to get rid of my guilt(Something I learned that people do, in psychology)? Isn't it true that God still loves me whether or not I go and feed the poor? God wants me to do everything with a cheerful heart in His name, to glorify Him. Didn't Jesus also say in Matthew 26:11 "you will always have the poor"? So clearly the objective of serving the poor isn't the get rid of poverty, because according to Jesus, it isn't possible, but to do it in the love of Jesus. If it isn't for that reason, than it's in vain. Besides, it's not like if I don't stop studying and go and feed the poor, nobody will do it. God says, if nobody sings His praises, then even the rocks will cry out. So clearly God doesn't depend on us to get His work done, so I don't even have to worry about it, because quite frankly, God doesn't need me! I don't think God would look at me as I'm driving around feeding the poor to get rid of my guilty and say, "Ah yes, thank goodness Alex is feeding the poor! I didn't know what I would have done if He didn't!" Absolutely not! So unless I am at a point in my walk where feeding the poor is a result of my genuine love for Christ, then it would be in vain and even self-destructive if I forced myself to do that just to be a good Christian.
WHOA. Okay so now I'm utterly confused. While my small group discussion about service (two paragraphs before) makes sense, and the paragraph above makes sense (to me), they don't seem to make very much sense together anymore! Let's use a real life example. I have a friend "Ryan" who is a nonbeliever. He can be really awkward, inconsiderate, and sometimes even rude, not to mention selfish at times. (this is totally fictional). I just met Ryan recently at a social gathering and he wants to hang out more. As we continue to hang out, it's odd because he doesn't seem very receptive of the gospel (or perhaps I am too worried about his perspective of me) and it's uncomfortable hanging out with him. So I'm sitting at home and suddenly as I think about him, I think to myself "Doesn't Christ call me to hang out with him and spread the gospel and love him?". Suddenly I feel guilty. Or is it convicted? I don't know. What do I do? According to my first reasoning, even though there is "nothing good in me" and I don't natural want to hang out with him, I should hang out with Ryan out of my love and obedience to Christ, even though I really don't want to. Even though I can't love Ryan, I can depend on God as I go hang out with Ryan and through this dependence, God will be most glorified. My obedience can't depend on my emotions, or whether or not I simply feel like loving people or feel like serving, or feel like going to school/church, or feel like doing my homework. Then I would just have no self-discipline! And through that act of obedience to Christ, He will bless me and perhaps grant me a heart that is able to love Ryan more and more through His love. According to Reasoning #2, I am only feeling guilty because I'm just trying to be a perfect Christian when clearly I can't be. The only reason I would be hanging out with Ryan would be to feel better about myself and appease my guilty conscience by trying to obey Christ's commandments as opposed to doing it out of genuine love for Ryan and God. Thus, I shouldn't hang out with him but rather focus more on Christ and ask Him to give me the desire to love Him more and Ryan more before hanging out with Ryan so I could do it out of sincerity. Because whether or not I do it, God's plan will still unfold. It's not like if I don't hang out with Ryan at this moment, God will scratch His head and exclaim, "How on earth will Ryan be saved now? Now how will I advance My Kingdom??" So until I am at a place in my walk where I can't help but hang out with people like Ryan out of love, attempts to do so will be in vain and just for my personal peace to get rid of the guilt. Rather, I should rest in the Grace of God, and rest in the truth that all the requirements of the law have been met on the cross and I don't need to worry about constantly doing the "right Christian thing", but let it come naturally as a response.
So what is it? Do I just continue to seek God and pray that He would give me the desire to be able to love people naturally and overflow with this love? Do I love people despite the fact I don't feel like it (and may feel fake and done out of guilt) but through it build discipline and learn how to obey God, regardless of what my emotions tell me?
There's more on my mind, but my fingers are tired. And I have to study. More later!
Friday, January 13, 2012
A Force For Good. {PASSION 2012}
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| Constructing a hand of help, freedom, and worship. I had been looking forward to this Passion Conference ever since November. I was especially excited to see some pretty big artists like Chris Tomlin, Hillsong, and Lecrae come out and lead worship and I was all for the idea of starting the new year off with a week of worship to God. I prayed for God to read my heart in the days leading up to the conference and finally one week before I was Atlanta bound, there was an unexpected change of attitude. The more I thought about it, the more stressed I was beginning to feel and more I began to dread having to go all the way to Atlanta. I started thinking about backing out in the name of spending more time with family. I proposed to myself that I could spend more time in worship with God alone in my room anyways. However, suddenly I remembered that this wasn't the first time I had experienced this. I had experienced this before my missions trip to Taiwan and on several other occasions, and each time God opened my eyes to see the reason I had gone. With this, I was convinced that I wouldn't let the devil get in the way and decided firmly I would be going. I had no idea what to expect. 45,000 was no small deal. Crowded into the city of Atlanta, it felt as if a whole city had decided to move in over night. Even in the multiple hotels scattered across the city, there were lines to use the bathrooms and the elevators. After checking into the hotel, we set out on our frigid 20 degree journey into the chaotic river of excited college kids headed to the Georgia Dome. With a heavy heart, I trudged on for the whole 20 minutes to the dome. Getting into it was another story. Slowly, the huge line snaked into the dome and filled into the seats like a building river rushing into a pit. But as I stepped into the dome, the temperature wasn't the only thing that changed. All of a sudden, everybody fell into a hushed silence The Word of God was being spoken and everybody was listening. The book of Psalms, Isaiah, Romans, Ephesians, Matthew, etc. were all being read, as we followed along on the screen. Nobody talked unless they were reading along. As people continued to filter in, we read. Suddenly I became very still and I knew. I knew. God was here. As we read the scripture, I heard the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and Jacob, the God of Isaiah and Elijah, the God of John the Baptist, the God of Paul and the disciples, talking to us. Talking to me. We read from Luke 7:11-17 that night (read it!). It was about a funeral procession for a widow's son. That was a pretty big deal back then, especially for a widow because her son was most likely the only way for financial support. As they carried the corpse away to a local burial site, Jesus intervened, interrupting the funeral but laying a hand on the body. This was a radical notion as it was uncommon for respectable people to even walk near uncleanly things like corpses. However he intercepted the funeral and brought the man back to life. It wasn't because the guy was extremely important (as they were on their way to a cheap burial site) or had he done anything to catch the attention of Jesus (because he was kind of not alive), but because "[Jesus]'s heart overflowed with compassion" and brought this man back to life. And that's what God did that night. In the midst of my confusion and anxiety, the Lord looked at me, interrupted the devil's scheme for me to continue with my funeral procession, and commanded me to come back to life. I suddenly remembered that I couldn't do anything apart from God ! I was suddenly reminded and jolted awake to the fact that it wasn't, isn't and never will be about what I can offer to God. Quite frankly, before He stepped in, I was dead. But He's called me to life and my focus is to be on Him! If we continue reading, after Jesus did the miracle of bringing the dead man back to life, something interesting happens. "Great fear swept the crowd, and they praised God, saying ... 'God has visited his people today', and the news about Jesus spread throughout Judea and the surrounding countryside." Wow. Get this. After someone comes to Christ and is given new life, Jesus is praised and news about Him spreads. It seems simple but how often do we remember this? It's so easy for me to get caught up in what I should do now that I've been saved and now that I'm a Christian, that I forget that it isn't about me. It's all about the fact that Jesus pulled me out of death and as a result, news about Him should spread! I want people to see me, to see my life and how Christ raised me from the dead, and as a result, I want the news about Jesus Christ to spread around town. Now, I don't really have the time to post an abridged version of every sermon (although they were all great!) and I'm sure you probably don't have the time to read through it all. On a good note however, I purchased the digital All Access Pass for Passion 2012 (google it!) giving me access to every sermon/music video/songs/slideshows as they upload it. I will gladly be giving out the log in to anybody who wants it and asks me for it! But in conclusion, Jesus spoke clearly to me, reminding me that I am not my own (1 Corinthians 6:19) but live for the glory of Christ. He is good, when there is no good in me. He is love, when I can't seem to love others. Not because of anything I did, but because of His grace that He interrupted my funeral procession (as I was headed straight to death) and gave me life. He is the author of my salvation! So what now? I want my life to be seen so that the name of Jesus Christ would spread around town. Some pictures:        |
Monday, December 19, 2011
A Path Wrongly Taken.
After spending a few minutes rereading my first post of this blog written at the start of this semester I immediately felt that there was something not right. In fact the more I thought about it, the more uneasy and perplexed I became. It was strange though...I couldn't quite put my finger on the problem, yet my heart felt heavy. Perhaps it is the same feeling I had left off with in my previous blog post.
This issue became almost tangible to me as I walked into church Sunday morning in Orlando. Although I didn't know what it was, I couldn't get myself to smile. I couldn't get myself to interact with my brothers and sisters that I hadn't seen in such a long time. To put it bluntly, I didn't want to. Once that became clear to me, I immediately rebuked myself, demanding the answer to why I didn't want to reach out to the others. But what could I say? I didn't know. This feeling haunted me through the whole day. It followed me after church to Starbucks, where I met with a friend to talk. Even then I couldn't get myself to be open or to be loving. And it continued into the evening, when my family pulled into the driveway of my pastor's house for a small group leader party.
As the party dragged on, I prayed silently: God. Something's wrong. If there's any falsehood in my life, then reveal it to me and change my heart. He did. After sitting down and talking to my pastor that night, God spoke to me.
My heart had changed. It had gone from a place of brokenness and grace to place of criticism. Not just of others but of myself. I believe God genuinely changed my heart and my life coming to Gainesville. He transformed me in a way that I couldn't have possibly fathomed before and now all I wanted to do was serve Christ and live for Him. However, as began to learn new things in eagerness to grow, something went wrong. I began to really understand that Jesus does call us to pick up our cross and follow Him with obedience. And that according to James, a live truly saved and changed by Christ will produce results in the form of actions. Because God had finally become real to me and I truly wanted to live for Him now, all of this made sense! But then what about those who said they were Christian but didn't follow Christ? Might as well ask, then how do we know anybody is truly a Christian? Well, I frowned, trying to understand, it must be that whoever is truly a Christian will have an evident love for God! Didn't it say that we can identify a tree by it's fruits? Then all of a sudden, this changed everything for me. If this were true, this meant that a lot of people that went to church...weren't the Christians they claimed to be. This meant some of the people I dearly loved might not be saved as they say they were. This scared the crap out of me. Everything seemed to make sense now and it was pretty convincing.
However, this thinking proved to be problematic. Without even realizing it, my heart slowly grew critical. Even though I genuinely was trying to follow Christ and live a life of love, this way of thinking only brew criticism and ultimately, condemnation. I began to make mental categories of people who were "Christian" and who "Weren't Christian", in efforts to make sense of everything. And before I knew it, I became severely critical of myself. And furthermore, this distinction between "Christian" and "Not-truly Christian" in the church only created division in my mind, and an inevitable pride. And soon enough, I couldn't love the way I did in the beginning, and I certainly couldn't love the way Jesus did. I couldn't live like this.
And finally I realized that although the bible said that we can identify a tree by its fruits, the passage just before talks about judgement. That who are we to judge others? If a tree is bare and we see no fruits, who are we to say that they will never have fruits? The person that I label as non-Christian (even though he says he's christian) may be the next C.S Lewis or Billy Graham, yet if I treat him as a nonbeliever and continue to share the gospel with him, despite the fact he claims he is a Christian, I'll just offend and even stumble him!
In fact the Paul goes completely against the way I've been thinking in Romans (14 I think?), saying we should not look down on or condemn others if they're weaker in faith, because we serve the same master. And to top that off, the faith that we have, be it stronger or weaker, IS ALL a gift from God...it isn't anything we earned, or our faith would just be another measure of work that we earned, and grace would mean nothing.
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT) - "God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it."
I believe in predestination. And if God has predestined someone to be Christian or not, whether he/she is a Christian/living like one at the moment, what is it to me? In the end, if they're meant to be a Christian, it will happen. It's not my job to judge or to make that conclusion. This is exactly what Jesus tells Peter in John 21 -(regarding John the apostle)- "Jesus replied, 'If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.'" Our only responsibility is to be loyal to our King. In conclusion? Yes. It is pretty safe to say a person who bears good fruit and shows sign of the Holy Spirit is a true disciple of God (John 13:35 - Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples). I say "pretty safe" because honestly, we can't know that either. We can't predict the future or know their hearts. They could turn away and have deceived us for so long. As for those who aren't walking in accordance to the light, our job isn't to judge, but to love them to Christ.
This issue became almost tangible to me as I walked into church Sunday morning in Orlando. Although I didn't know what it was, I couldn't get myself to smile. I couldn't get myself to interact with my brothers and sisters that I hadn't seen in such a long time. To put it bluntly, I didn't want to. Once that became clear to me, I immediately rebuked myself, demanding the answer to why I didn't want to reach out to the others. But what could I say? I didn't know. This feeling haunted me through the whole day. It followed me after church to Starbucks, where I met with a friend to talk. Even then I couldn't get myself to be open or to be loving. And it continued into the evening, when my family pulled into the driveway of my pastor's house for a small group leader party.
As the party dragged on, I prayed silently: God. Something's wrong. If there's any falsehood in my life, then reveal it to me and change my heart. He did. After sitting down and talking to my pastor that night, God spoke to me.
My heart had changed. It had gone from a place of brokenness and grace to place of criticism. Not just of others but of myself. I believe God genuinely changed my heart and my life coming to Gainesville. He transformed me in a way that I couldn't have possibly fathomed before and now all I wanted to do was serve Christ and live for Him. However, as began to learn new things in eagerness to grow, something went wrong. I began to really understand that Jesus does call us to pick up our cross and follow Him with obedience. And that according to James, a live truly saved and changed by Christ will produce results in the form of actions. Because God had finally become real to me and I truly wanted to live for Him now, all of this made sense! But then what about those who said they were Christian but didn't follow Christ? Might as well ask, then how do we know anybody is truly a Christian? Well, I frowned, trying to understand, it must be that whoever is truly a Christian will have an evident love for God! Didn't it say that we can identify a tree by it's fruits? Then all of a sudden, this changed everything for me. If this were true, this meant that a lot of people that went to church...weren't the Christians they claimed to be. This meant some of the people I dearly loved might not be saved as they say they were. This scared the crap out of me. Everything seemed to make sense now and it was pretty convincing.
However, this thinking proved to be problematic. Without even realizing it, my heart slowly grew critical. Even though I genuinely was trying to follow Christ and live a life of love, this way of thinking only brew criticism and ultimately, condemnation. I began to make mental categories of people who were "Christian" and who "Weren't Christian", in efforts to make sense of everything. And before I knew it, I became severely critical of myself. And furthermore, this distinction between "Christian" and "Not-truly Christian" in the church only created division in my mind, and an inevitable pride. And soon enough, I couldn't love the way I did in the beginning, and I certainly couldn't love the way Jesus did. I couldn't live like this.
And finally I realized that although the bible said that we can identify a tree by its fruits, the passage just before talks about judgement. That who are we to judge others? If a tree is bare and we see no fruits, who are we to say that they will never have fruits? The person that I label as non-Christian (even though he says he's christian) may be the next C.S Lewis or Billy Graham, yet if I treat him as a nonbeliever and continue to share the gospel with him, despite the fact he claims he is a Christian, I'll just offend and even stumble him!
In fact the Paul goes completely against the way I've been thinking in Romans (14 I think?), saying we should not look down on or condemn others if they're weaker in faith, because we serve the same master. And to top that off, the faith that we have, be it stronger or weaker, IS ALL a gift from God...it isn't anything we earned, or our faith would just be another measure of work that we earned, and grace would mean nothing.
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT) - "God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it."
I believe in predestination. And if God has predestined someone to be Christian or not, whether he/she is a Christian/living like one at the moment, what is it to me? In the end, if they're meant to be a Christian, it will happen. It's not my job to judge or to make that conclusion. This is exactly what Jesus tells Peter in John 21 -(regarding John the apostle)- "Jesus replied, 'If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.'" Our only responsibility is to be loyal to our King. In conclusion? Yes. It is pretty safe to say a person who bears good fruit and shows sign of the Holy Spirit is a true disciple of God (John 13:35 - Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples). I say "pretty safe" because honestly, we can't know that either. We can't predict the future or know their hearts. They could turn away and have deceived us for so long. As for those who aren't walking in accordance to the light, our job isn't to judge, but to love them to Christ.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Reign in us.
Life threatens to swallow me. To pull me back into the shadows of who I once was. Back into the life I once lived. These past few days, weeks have been slow...perhaps dry is a better word, yet it's been one of the hardest struggles in my lifetime. I've just been in a place where I need to consciously make a choice whether to grow up and learn what it means to be a man after God's heart, or to remain in the immature state of self-centered existence. To choose to live a life conformed to this world or transformed by His word. To settle to exist as a thermometer, a life reflecting the social norms or to be a thermostat, radically changing it for the sake of Jesus Christ.
It's a lot easier to talk than to walk, especially if it's on water. But when our words are translated into the language of action and obedience, that's when we experience God and learn how to love and live as He does.
The past few days I fell to my own selfish desires. I knew I was living in the wrong, succumbing to the desires of my nature and naturally my fellowship with God deteriorated. This diffused not only into my devotional times, but into my relationships with others, into my music writing, into my academics, into everything. And after days of stubborn rebellion, it broke my heart to know that I could run from the arms of my God so easily. And ashamed, I put my life back at His alter, humbled in my weakness.
Like a splash of ice water to a drowsy face, I'm reminded of how prone I am to wander and how easily I fall. But I'm built to be broken and filled to be emptied. So here I am to worship at the feet of Jesus, because that's all I can really do. I can't boast about my love for God because it ALWAYS fails, but I can boast about God's love for me because it NEVER fails. So prayer for my walk and for yours too, is that God would continue to be a conscious reality in our minds and hearts. That His word would spill over from our devotional times and flood into every part of our lives; that Jesus Christ would permeate into every decision of our lives. I pray for His preeminence in our lives.
I don't really know what it is but there's just something heavy on my heart now. Perhaps it is just the stress of final exams that are getting to me (Which also have been giving me headaches -__-). Perhaps it's something deeper than that. Don't know! lol. But I ask for you guys to pray for me, that I would cling to the person of Jesus and follow Him, as I pray for you guys, my fellow saints and the church of Jesus Christ! :) Let's keep fighting together because God's going to do something great in us!
Love in Christ.
It's a lot easier to talk than to walk, especially if it's on water. But when our words are translated into the language of action and obedience, that's when we experience God and learn how to love and live as He does.
The past few days I fell to my own selfish desires. I knew I was living in the wrong, succumbing to the desires of my nature and naturally my fellowship with God deteriorated. This diffused not only into my devotional times, but into my relationships with others, into my music writing, into my academics, into everything. And after days of stubborn rebellion, it broke my heart to know that I could run from the arms of my God so easily. And ashamed, I put my life back at His alter, humbled in my weakness.
Like a splash of ice water to a drowsy face, I'm reminded of how prone I am to wander and how easily I fall. But I'm built to be broken and filled to be emptied. So here I am to worship at the feet of Jesus, because that's all I can really do. I can't boast about my love for God because it ALWAYS fails, but I can boast about God's love for me because it NEVER fails. So prayer for my walk and for yours too, is that God would continue to be a conscious reality in our minds and hearts. That His word would spill over from our devotional times and flood into every part of our lives; that Jesus Christ would permeate into every decision of our lives. I pray for His preeminence in our lives.
I don't really know what it is but there's just something heavy on my heart now. Perhaps it is just the stress of final exams that are getting to me (Which also have been giving me headaches -__-). Perhaps it's something deeper than that. Don't know! lol. But I ask for you guys to pray for me, that I would cling to the person of Jesus and follow Him, as I pray for you guys, my fellow saints and the church of Jesus Christ! :) Let's keep fighting together because God's going to do something great in us!
Love in Christ.
Monday, November 21, 2011
When reality sank.
It's been awhile. My church had a retreat two weekends ago. I had gone to the retreat with my heart still in the condition as the previous post. My realization was that I had started to become dependant on myself once again and my prayer for that weekend and for the rest of my life was for God to take away that option. The retreat was such a blessing. Just seeing other brothers and sisters in Christ, especially my classmates, seeking God and praying together encouraged me so much. Sometimes it got hard because I just felt like I was going through all of this by myself... where were my brothers and sisters? But this retreat just painted the picture of the church for me and I really just cried out to God to take my heart and seal it.
But things don't get easier. In fact I still struggled with my pride, my lust, my self-dependence, and all the other chains of sin that entangle me. But God never fails to continue to minster truth to my life through the week. On friday, Pastor Min was just preaching to us that we are who we are, and not we do.
However, getting to the real issue of this blog post, during my meeting with K-Lo, a brother who offered to disciple me (and I joyfully accepted), reality just came crashing down. We had somehow ventured to the topic of dating and then to marriage. When asked about a minimum age before dating, to my surprise, he answered that if a couple had married right out of highschool or even in highschool, he wouldn't have a problem with it. He said, if they really were in love with God and knew what marriage was about, and had a realistic plan, he had nothing against it. But what about financial stability I asked. He said that the guy could very realistically make plans for school and a future career by studying the job market, planning out loans, etc., as long as he kept it realitic. That's when it all came crashing down. Reality sank in. All of a sudden I began to wonder, since the day that God rescued me in Gainesville, have a been living a half-truth? Had God rescued me from my depression to bring me to this place now where I could finally face reality (whereas before I couldn't?), a friend had brought up.
Being an organized person all my life, coming into Gainesville, I had everything planned out. I knew what I wanted to be, I knew about internships, scholarships, loans I had to take out to get to where I wanted to be in the medical field. But then all of a sudden after my encounter with God, I thought, perhaps God doesn't want me here, and so I switched to Psychology. However, if you have read any of my other posts, studying/academia and my spiritual walk had always been on two polar ends of my mental spectrum. I had no idea how in the world I could reconcile such seemingly opposing ideas! The ideas being, do I sit and pray for guidance and wait for God's divine intervention, or do I plan everything out myself and assume God is speaking through me and blessing all my decisions.
However I realize how wrong it is to think that way! To think that it's God vs. Reality, when ...in reality (aha).. God is everywhere. God created reality. A quote that I often refer to is:
"We refuse to become either so absorbed in the Word, that we escape into it and fail to let it confront the world, or so absorbed in the world, that we conform to it and fail to subject it to the judgment of the Word"
I realize now that God wants balance in our lives. I can't be so absorbed into the word that I forget reality. God has called us to be ambassadors in a very real world, a world we must live in and must relate to. We are stewards of His gifts and He wants us to produce very real results, whether it be in the form of test grades, relationships with others, financial stability for my family to glorify God (because if God is a perfect Father and provider, shouldn't I try my best to illustrate that with my life?).
With this, this thanksgiving break I'm going to be doing a lot of re-evaluating. Just spending lots of time with God and thinking about how God can use me in a very real way in the future. That'll probably be my next post. Thank you to my readers and I'm praying for all of you!
But things don't get easier. In fact I still struggled with my pride, my lust, my self-dependence, and all the other chains of sin that entangle me. But God never fails to continue to minster truth to my life through the week. On friday, Pastor Min was just preaching to us that we are who we are, and not we do.
However, getting to the real issue of this blog post, during my meeting with K-Lo, a brother who offered to disciple me (and I joyfully accepted), reality just came crashing down. We had somehow ventured to the topic of dating and then to marriage. When asked about a minimum age before dating, to my surprise, he answered that if a couple had married right out of highschool or even in highschool, he wouldn't have a problem with it. He said, if they really were in love with God and knew what marriage was about, and had a realistic plan, he had nothing against it. But what about financial stability I asked. He said that the guy could very realistically make plans for school and a future career by studying the job market, planning out loans, etc., as long as he kept it realitic. That's when it all came crashing down. Reality sank in. All of a sudden I began to wonder, since the day that God rescued me in Gainesville, have a been living a half-truth? Had God rescued me from my depression to bring me to this place now where I could finally face reality (whereas before I couldn't?), a friend had brought up.
Being an organized person all my life, coming into Gainesville, I had everything planned out. I knew what I wanted to be, I knew about internships, scholarships, loans I had to take out to get to where I wanted to be in the medical field. But then all of a sudden after my encounter with God, I thought, perhaps God doesn't want me here, and so I switched to Psychology. However, if you have read any of my other posts, studying/academia and my spiritual walk had always been on two polar ends of my mental spectrum. I had no idea how in the world I could reconcile such seemingly opposing ideas! The ideas being, do I sit and pray for guidance and wait for God's divine intervention, or do I plan everything out myself and assume God is speaking through me and blessing all my decisions.
However I realize how wrong it is to think that way! To think that it's God vs. Reality, when ...in reality (aha).. God is everywhere. God created reality. A quote that I often refer to is:
"We refuse to become either so absorbed in the Word, that we escape into it and fail to let it confront the world, or so absorbed in the world, that we conform to it and fail to subject it to the judgment of the Word"
I realize now that God wants balance in our lives. I can't be so absorbed into the word that I forget reality. God has called us to be ambassadors in a very real world, a world we must live in and must relate to. We are stewards of His gifts and He wants us to produce very real results, whether it be in the form of test grades, relationships with others, financial stability for my family to glorify God (because if God is a perfect Father and provider, shouldn't I try my best to illustrate that with my life?).
With this, this thanksgiving break I'm going to be doing a lot of re-evaluating. Just spending lots of time with God and thinking about how God can use me in a very real way in the future. That'll probably be my next post. Thank you to my readers and I'm praying for all of you!
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